Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stupid shit people actually put on their resume

Someone just sent this to me and I couldn't resist sharing. I laughed till I started to cough at some of this stupidity. All of my comments are in purple. The rest is the original crapola. LOL

None of this is made up. People really did put this stupid crazy shit on their resumes or job applications.

1. I am very detail-oreinted. (Um ... yeah. I can see that there, Sparky. LOL)

2. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. (ILMAO! Unspeakable! HA! Moron just spoke about it. hahahahahaha)

3. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty! (*snort*)

4. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume. (Maybe he was applying for a job as a crime dog?)

5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people. (LOL Yeah, me too.)

6. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. (Sad but true. This was probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

7. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

8. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope. (Blow your hat off? Are they serious? Did the Uni bomber write this? Um, if it doesn't blow your hat off then I didn't wire it correctly.)

9. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular. (So sad.)

10. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt. (Dumbass.)

11. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity. (This is awesome. hahahahahahaha)

12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date. (WTF?)

13. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class. (Ouch.)

15. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately. (OMG! That's terrible. Sure, I've worked for plenty of assholes too, but come on. Elaborate privately? Really? I'd have to interview this nut just to ask them to elaborate.)

16. Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco. (hahahahahahahahahahaha)

17. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business. (Can you teach me?)

18. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

19. I am a rabid typist. (HA! I'm picturing some poor schmuck foaming at the mouth while slaving over a keyboard. LOL)

20. I have a bachelorette degree in computers. (Huh? Did it come with a free stripper?)

21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math. (ADHD anyone?)

22. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

23. I worked as a Corporate Lesion. (I think I had one of those once ....)

24. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job. (HOLY CRAP. I feel their pain. Probably a very honest answer, but I can't believe they put this on an application.)

25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (LOL I'll bet you do!)

26. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis. (Brilliant!)

27. Special skills: Thyping. (Hmmmm.)

28. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend. (OMG! Are they applying for a position with the mob?)

29. I can play well with others. (This might work on a porn star's resume. *snicker*)

30. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law. (WTF? Ah, the pain. I've laughed so hard.)

31. Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days. (And I'd like to be crowned the queen of the universe, but that shit ain't happenin.)

32. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

33. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors. (Makes me think of werewolves. LOL)

34. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

35. I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years. (Well, God bless him. LOL)

36. Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation. (hahahahahahahahhahaha)

37. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

38. Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky. (I don't know why exactly, but this cracked me up so bad. *wipes tears* All I can say is what the crap was this guy thinking?)

39. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system. (I'm sorry, you did what?)

40. My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.

41. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really. (Well, hell. That would work for me.)

42. Referees available upon request. (Holy crap.)

43. Previous rank: Senior instigator. (Can't breathe ... must stop laughing at *gasp* stupid people.)

44. I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

45. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me. (Well, F*** them! I'd leave too. LOL)

46. Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days. (Three finger gag.)

47. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes. (Wow. Really? I can do that cherry stem thing with my tongue ... I'm just saying.)

48. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication. (Infecting? Ugh.)

49. Strengths: Impersonal skills. (I've worked with people that had plenty of these.)

50. Special interests: I like any projects that are fun. (Duh.)

51. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store. (Yikes.)

52. Vocational plans: Sea World. (WTF?)

1 comment:

Jacquie Rogers said...

Hey, I'm a "rabid typist," too!