My beloved dog Sam just died a few moments ago on my front porch. So, why am I blogging? To keep from losing my mind. To keep from screaming and throwing up. How about those for starters? Sam has been my friend and companion for the past 6 years. He was only 7 years old. He was injured recently by some wild dogs and it was just more than he was able to recover from.
I don't know what will happen now. I don't know how to say goodbye. I've suffered so much loss this past year that I don't even know how to put it into words. I cannot imagine not seeing his face each morning, or rubbing his soft fur. I cannot imagine a world without Sam. In fact, I don't even remember what it was like before he was a part of my life.
There have been many times over the past 6 years when he was the only one I had to talk to. He has helped me through so many things ... and I couldn't save him. I feel like I failed him when he needed me most. That is what hurts the most.
I'm crying so hard I can barely see the screen, but I'm afraid if I stop I will completely lose it. I've never been this honest ... this raw before in a public forum and I hope I don't get slammed for it. I need to let this out and this is the only healthy way I could think of.
My sister-in-law passed this past Mother's Day. I buried my cat Conan (9 years ago) on Easter, all alone. Sam was hit by a car on Christmas Eve. And now he has passed right before Valentine's Day. I fucking hate the holidays. All I have left is Halloween.
Not that any of these poor souls are to blame. Please don't misunderstand my meaning. I am hurting. No, I take that back, I am dying inside and I'm trying to find something to look forward to. My mind immediately leapt to the holidays. Screw that.
I did everything I could to save him, and still I failed. In his final moments he came back to the place he felt safest, my front porch. Oh, God this hurts.
I don't know what to do.
I am at a loss ... maybe that's why they call it "loss."