Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Sam died tonight

My beloved dog Sam just died a few moments ago on my front porch. So, why am I blogging? To keep from losing my mind. To keep from screaming and throwing up. How about those for starters? Sam has been my friend and companion for the past 6 years. He was only 7 years old. He was injured recently by some wild dogs and it was just more than he was able to recover from.

I don't know what will happen now. I don't know how to say goodbye. I've suffered so much loss this past year that I don't even know how to put it into words. I cannot imagine not seeing his face each morning, or rubbing his soft fur. I cannot imagine a world without Sam. In fact, I don't even remember what it was like before he was a part of my life.

There have been many times over the past 6 years when he was the only one I had to talk to. He has helped me through so many things ... and I couldn't save him. I feel like I failed him when he needed me most. That is what hurts the most.

I'm crying so hard I can barely see the screen, but I'm afraid if I stop I will completely lose it. I've never been this honest ... this raw before in a public forum and I hope I don't get slammed for it. I need to let this out and this is the only healthy way I could think of.

My sister-in-law passed this past Mother's Day. I buried my cat Conan (9 years ago) on Easter, all alone. Sam was hit by a car on Christmas Eve. And now he has passed right before Valentine's Day. I fucking hate the holidays. All I have left is Halloween.

Not that any of these poor souls are to blame. Please don't misunderstand my meaning. I am hurting. No, I take that back, I am dying inside and I'm trying to find something to look forward to. My mind immediately leapt to the holidays. Screw that.

I did everything I could to save him, and still I failed. In his final moments he came back to the place he felt safest, my front porch. Oh, God this hurts.

I don't know what to do.

I am at a loss ... maybe that's why they call it "loss."

8 comments:

Wend Petzler said...

Oh, girl, I am so sorry and just in shock Sam passing so. Shit. I lost my best friend, Salish, and I'm still mouring her loss so I know exactly the emotions hitting you right now. My prayers are with you and Sam and just wish this wouldn't have happened to you both.

C R Ward said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Tracey. I know just how hard it is to lose a fur baby - they take a piece of our hearts with them when they go.

Kathy Ann Coleman said...

First and foremost, my heart goes out to you. There is little worse then losing a precious pet--they are so often like little furry children that it can be enough to rob one of breath.

Next, my condolences on the fact that your dog was so young. I have only had to suffer that once--our sheltie, Baby, had degenerative disc problems that could not be treated when I was about 15 and she was only 4.

And last, consider that Sam chose a place he felt safe--a place where he felt close to you--to make peace. When my dog Cuddles passed away she actually chose the gigantic sitting pillow where we watched TV, after I had gone to school. (And that's another thing: animals will often wait until we are not standing right there--they want to protect us; to spare us pain.)

Remember: Sam would not want to be remembered in sorrow. Work through your grief and pain, take the time you need to heal. But ultimately, have no fear of remembering your dog as the noble and precious companion he has been to you through all of these years.

Take care,
Kathy Ann

Tracey H. Kitts said...

Thank you all so much. I can't really articulate more than that right now, but thank you, sincerely.

Cindi said...

I am so very, very, very sorry:((( I have four dogs--don't know what I would do without them. My boyfriend's dog got hit and killed last year. When he called to tell me, he was standing on the side of the road, hysterical. They are like our children, except nicer to us. Just assume that tonight you need to lose your mind a little. Tomorrow, it will get a little easier, then the next day a little more easy. I am sending strong prayers out to you tonight!!!!!

Tracey H. Kitts said...

Thank you, Cindi. And thank you Kathy Ann. I found comfort in your words and have read your response many times. I'm still crying. But it helps.

I appreciate that all of you took the time to offer sympathy and comfort. I can't say thank you enough for that. We are all having a very hard time.

Kathryn R. Blake said...

Tracey, I just saw this. First of all I want to send my condolences. 7 years old is still a puppy, and to think of a puppy being hurt or injured makes my blood pressure rise. Second, when you feel up to it I have a web page devoted to pet loss. It has a variety of poems, sentiments and other sites where grieving pet owners can go. Though it's been ten days since you lost Sam, the wounds may still be too raw for you to seek consolation. But when you're ready, I invite you to visit. http://www.kathrynrblake.com/home/petloss.html. All of my dogs, except one, had to be euthanized. They were elderly and suffering. Sam was so very young. Too young. My hug may be only virtual, but it is still heartfelt. Take care of yourself.

Tracey H. Kitts said...

Thank you, Kathryn. It's still hard to look outside and not see him there. I'm doing a little better, but not much. I'm trying to occupy my mind with other things and just stay as busy as possible. Time to think right now is a bad thing for me.

And I do appreciate that virtual hug. :)