It's almost two o'clock in the morning and everything is still ... everything except me. My mind won't rest and my body has no real desire. So much has gone on in this past month that my head is still spinning. I need to rest, but sleep didn't help. I've slept too much. I love my family and friends, but I think what I really need is just ... time.
That may sound rude, but I really don't mean it to be. There have been things I've felt I needed to express lately and I've no one to express it to. Maybe my thoughts are inappropriate, but they are still what's on my mind. It's like this. My grandpa and my favorite performer died in the same month. Plus I've got this book I'm working on and no one will give me a chance to work on it. I'm over halfway there. I have to piss people off before they are willing to give me time alone. No one seems to respect my time or my polite requests of "I need to get some work done."
So, here it is, the wee hours of the morning and I'm thinking maybe I won't even finish this book. Maybe I'll go back and do another self edit of Wicked City and send it on to my publisher. Only ... I'm afraid that if I let this book rest I'll never finish it. By the time I fight my way free to a few minutes alone, I just don't have the words. I know everything that is supposed to happen. I know how the story ends and why. I'm just so damn pissed off by the time I get to my computer that I can't say it the way it needs to be said.
I don't think people really understand that this is so much more than what I do. This is who I am and if I don't get time to express myself I may explode.
This is one of those moments where I've decided to open up and let you guys see the real me. After all, authors are people just like everybody else. We've all got lives, families and our own brand of frustrations.
On top of everything else, there is someone that up until a few months ago I was very close to. Now we never see each other and barely speak. I'm dealing with that loss just as surely as my grandpa. Even though this other person is still alive ... I'd never know it. I won't push myself where I'm not wanted. I thought of this person as my family and now I feel I've been abandoned. When you're used to someone being there and then suddenly they're not ... it's definitely a loss. I never saw our friendship ending this way. Honestly, I didn't see it ending at all.
Things are just crazy all over. The loss of friends and loved ones combined with the need of others to be close to me ... it's all combined to make me have no time for myself. I love that others love me enough to want to be near me. But if I don't get time to finish some of my writing soon ... they'll be effectively stifling one of the things they love about me. At least ... they all say they love my creativity.
Here's to hoping I don't sound like a total bitch.